Say No To Crack | A Gym Rats Must Do Test

In the fitness world belongs a peculiar little test that should always be administered before an individual steps foot into the gym.  This little test MUST be passed with flying colors as it is the best defense against the involuntary showing of one’s butt crack.

Legging wearing gym goer’s.  Come One, Come All!

This is for you, boo. 

Allow me to assist you in avoiding future and/or continued unplanned exposure of your derrière. The following is the greatest preventative measure against personal humiliation you could ever administer.

Are you ready for this?  It’s called…

The Squat Test 

 

booty courtesy of uber fit Lorna Jane girl

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Ya, you got it!  The simplest and most functional of exercises you can administer could actually help you avoid indecent exposure to the entire gym world.

Before you even think about walking out of that dressing room (or home if you are an online shopper) you MUST get comfortable staring at your back end in a mirror under bright lights.

Yep.  

Ya sure do, sweet-cheeks. 

WHY?

Because if you don’t, those sweet-cheeks are on full display for the world.

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I am talking to you Walmart, Target, Old Navy wearing legging friends.   Where’s my Nike PRO and Under Armour loving friends?  You raising your hands?   Guess what?

You aren’t exempt.

Nike has gotten pretty stingy on some of their material and styles of leggings.  One little squat test I recently did at Scheels proved to me that Nike’s weren’t going to be my friend during a good solid downward dog.

Are we having a break-through moment together right now?  Is your face red with heat and embarrassment thinking about what you wear to the gym?

As a fitness instructor and former fitness Master Trainer, I have seen more booties, thongs and granny panties than I ever imagined I would.  I mean, I teach fitness classes. What is this?!

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Now, I AM one of those people who tries to always let others know if they have something in their teeth, or if they have spilled food on their boob, etc.  My goodness, I’d want others to tell me!  How friggin’ embarrassing, yo!  Help a sista OUT!

Now with that said, I always try to cover my fitness peeps butts by letting you know I can see it, but I also don’t want to embarrass you, so I will wait until the end of class if no one is in your direct line of fire.  Here’s the second BUT — sadly I am also forgetful and at the end of class I just want to get everyone stretched and smiling again after the death that was bestowed on them and out the door, so, if you are in my classes you aren’t exempt.  Please resume squat test, immediately, in your own well lit bathroom mirror, k?

The How and What to the Squat Test

  • Turn around so your back is to the mirror.
  • Squat.
    • Deep and low as you can go.
  • Now, stick your booty out there, girl.
    • Give it a little smack if you feelin’ sassy.
  • And then LOOK.
    • Can you see your paisley printed thong through the material?  How about the outline?  HOW ABOUT SKIN?
  • Not seeing anything?
    • Put a light to it.  Natural light or flashlight.  Now whatcha got for me?

EEK!

Put those pants back on the hanger and

W.A.L.K.  A.W.A.Y!!!

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The Higher the Price – The More Dignity You Will Preserve

You cannot be afraid to spend a pretty penny on workout leggings.   Unless you are super eager to show off your scantily covered apple bottom, then there isn’t a price tag too high, in my opinion.   Below are my two favorites from ATHLETA to help you get started.  You can find in my closet two pairs of each of the below, because I believe in them that much.   I also LOVE the mid to high waist bands.  Zero roll down, zero pulling up pants every 5 seconds of a workout, complete coverage.   SOLD.

There are so many brands out there worth mentioning and exploring, so don’t limit yourself.  Lorna Jane, LuLuLemon, Fabletics, Carbon 38 and Victoria’s Secret PINK to name a few.   Heck, try Nike and Under Armour as well!  I have a few myself, but I was very careful with the squat test on those babies.  And, for the record, I love Nike.  I wear Nike Free RN shoes to the gym (Asics Gel Quantrums make a steady appearance as well) and nearly all my tops are also Nike.  Nike FREAK over here, but you just have to be careful on SOME of the legging styles.   They are made for certain workouts and the material is a good indicator of that.  Just didn’t want to hurt Nike’s feelings in case they want to sponsor me and my radness.  You know. 😉

 

Athleta Stealth TruCool Skulptek Capri. $98

 

Athleta Salutation 7/8 Tight. $79

salutation

Athleta Chaturanga Tight. $74

 

Happy Shopping and Mirror Squatting!

 

Cheers!

 

Killed Our Liver on the Elkhorn River | July 2017

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Thanks to Tubing & Adventures, our crew had a killer time this past weekend floating down the lazy Elkhorn River.  6.5 hours of floating, sunny 92 degree temperature, minimal humidity and loads of beer consumption leaves little room for error, in my opinion.

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We had 19 in our crew (we missed you Kruse’s) and throughout the morning everyone trickled in to set up tents and crack open those first drinks before we set out for our all afternoon adventure.

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Seriously, days like this need to happen far more often.  Why is it that available weekends are few and far between in these summer months?

They are all packed full of happy and goodness is why!

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We drank, we floated, we stopped at sandbars, we relaxed, we laughed…

we enjoyed the day.

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Unfortunately, a few things got lost in the great Elkhorn.  My earrings, my sunglasses, some skin thanks to debris, John’s sunglasses and the biggest loss of all: Tracy’s phone.  A few others may or may not have lost their bellies in the river too, but we won’t go into detail on that.

What’s an all day float down the river without a few hazards?

 

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Tubing and Adventures provides a GREAT service and I highly recommend using them for your next adventure.  Cheap entertainment, top notch customer service (thanks Brock and crew), high-quality tubes, complimentary beer cooler floats for every 4th person, perfect primitive camping options, and a gorgeous view to wake up to!

 Is it too early to book our 2018 float?  T&A has my vote!

😉

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Cheers to a continued great summer!

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